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"Hard Candy Christmas" is a song written by composer-lyricist Carol Hall for the musical The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Performed by Hal Cooper.

lyrics

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“No dingo men or goblins allowed.”

The sign hung haphazardly across the tavern door. Samser took another puff on his pipe and spit. As a goblin, there wasn’t much in the way of opportunity in Steelguard Fortress, but it sure beat slaving in the mines of the demon lords. Haughty dwarves passed by him with hatred in their eyes. It was about time he was headed home.

Samser’s neighborhood was on the wrong side of the mine cart tracks. It was a place you wouldn’t show your face after the evening bell, at least if you didn’t want someone to rearrange it for you. Samser tapped the crundles on the head as he passed them by. A pair of jaguar women looked at him from a back alley. It was hard-living in the lower mines.

“Where have you been?” shouted Samser’s woman.

She was a hill dwarf from a fortress down the river. Hilga was her name, and she too had come to Steelguard looking for a future. She had three children from a previous marriage and Samser looked at them without sympathy, though they were clearly suffering. But though he had no heart to speak of, he knew something had to give.

Animal people now outnumbered all dwarves and goblins combined in the underclass. Samser thought it must be because the dwarves had chopped down most of their forests. The dwarves liked to think that none of this mattered. What was another food riot when the adamantine kept flowing?

“You need to find a job,” said Hilga. “Right now you are just another mouth to feed.”

Smirking, Samser thought it must have been half a year since he had had any solid food, but he could use a drink. Slamming the door, he followed the tracks down to the goblin bar. When he could get in, Samser preferred to drink with the dwarves. Down at Effie’s it seemed like there was a murder every other night.

Big Effie was a walking contradiction, a fat, jolly, good-natured goblin. That didn’t stop Effie’s establishment from being the most violent place this side of Steelguard. As Samser bellied up to the bar, he couldn’t help noticing a dwarf sitting by himself in the corner. Samser tried to back away, but it was too late. The dwarf noticed him.

“Do you know what time it is?” asked the dwarf.

“It is time for you to get out of this neighborhood,” said Samser.

“It is time,” said the dwarf, “for revolution.”

credits

from Ember Red, Timber Ted - Featuring Ahang Shirin, released December 26, 2016
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Portallatro Record Co. Whitefish, montana

Philanthropic record company supporting, Southern Poverty Law Center, ACLU, Wikipedia, Buddhist donations.

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